Arise Ye Victims of Fermentation, Chapter 1 : Something is Rotten in Southchester...
It is advised that you must start with precision if you really want to learn how to make an exquisite loaf of bread or a chocolate layer cake. However, many experienced bakers got their way through trial and error or learning from their grandmother who learned from their grandmother who learned from their grandmother, without ever using precise measurements. No measuring cups, and no scales, yet you know her cookies are to die for. If you just think about it, baking is really an amazing science, and one can only wonder how humans even figured this stuff out thousands of years ago.
Just to look at bread, the most simple of baked goods, someone out in the fields is growing wheat or other grain. After a few months when the seeds on top of those grasses are dried out, they must be harvested. All that straw and dirt and bugs must be filtered out before you have a usable product, seeds we like to call “wheat berries” which are nothing like actual berries, hard and inedible, requiring intense processing before consumption. These seeds are then grounded into a fine powder, if you’re going for whole wheat. Many tongues of humans find the germ and bran of the wheat seeds to be unpleasant tasting. Commonly these two elements of the berries are removed to only leave the endosperm, which we ground up and like to call white flour. For good bread, this flour must have a significant amount of the protein, which receives a lot of flak, gluten.
***
A woman, who had recently stumbled upon the sourdough section of YouTube is strolling through the supermarket and searches for the flour aisle. It has been getting chillier out and the idea of baking a nice loaf of bread to warm the house up and to dip in a delectable chickpea stew sounds like the manifestation of heaven on earth at this very moment.
A 5-pound bag of bread flour is taken off the shelf and placed in the cart. From the manipulation of this one simple ingredient, ground and refined grass seeds, will great adventures suffice.
Checkout.
Goodbye, Southchester Grocery & Beer.
***
“Woof woof woof grrrrr” angrily proclaims Daisy, the family dog as she hears a car pull in the driveway and doors open and slam. She runs to the door as Sarah Vochinar, the family shopper, wife and mother approaches the door. When she opens the door, Daisy is there wagging her tail vigorously and pawing Sarah. Though Sarah has left home almost daily thousands of times in Daisy’s life, never has she not been in a state of utter excitement when Sarah comes home.
Daisy was a three-month year-old puppy that Sarah had found abandoned near a dumpster behind a cafe. A mutt dog with unknown origin, she is now 10 years old. Incredibly resilient has she always been, never having to go to the vet for anything other than a checkup or vaccines, unlike the purebred German Shepherd and Pembroke Welsh Corgi Sarah’s family had had in her childhood. Aging has taken a toll, where the energy she once had diminished tremendously, limping is the normal, and skin tags everywhere. Overall, she still functions and appears of be totally content with life, for as long as she has Sarah by her side, she can experience the sunset days of her life in peace.
***
“Honey, I’m home!” Sarah says obnoxiously, announcing her presence to her husband, Daniel.
“So cliché” Daniel blurts out, suggesting mild disappointment in her wife.
“You’re too hard to please, but without your guidance who would I be, cultureless me?”
“No need to get poetic, you have just come from grocery shopping. What did you get?”
The usual, chicken, eggs, milk, bread, pasta, rice, beans, potatoes, broccoli, kale, romaine lettuce, onions, garlic, and tomatoes. I also decided I would take on baking some sourdough bread. I got some bread flour, as well as a bit of rye flour and whole wheat flour as flavor additions in my boules”
“Best not get ahead of yourself, you haven’t baked anything besides brownies from a box. I believe in you, baby, but you must take it easy. Be ready for failure and do not get discouraged. You must realize that now you have your whole family relying on you to make us bread. What has been said cannot be taken back. If you happen to know me at all, my lovely wife, there is a possible chance you are aware that my best friend, Danny, not to be confused with me, has opened his own bakery years ago. He has seen many people join the club, and you must realize this an incredible commitment you have made. Once a baker, always a baker, you cannot leave. The perception I have had of you has changed forever, for better or worse. Throwing out the bag of flour will not get you out of this. Be warned.” Daniel lectured.
“For fuck’s sake, Daniel. What has gotten into you? It’s just a new hobby I want to take up, it’s not that deep.” Sarah almost yells, more confused than angry.
“I’m getting our kids.” Daniel runs to the stairs, Sarah stands in the sunroom in disbelief, dropping her bags and forgetting to put away the groceries into the kitchen.
“Felix! Naomi! Family meeting!” Yells Daniel.
Naomi hurries down.
“Five minutes!” Yells Felix.
“Now!” Yells Daniel.
“Online game”
Daniel runs up the stairs, barges into Felix’s room and rips the controller out his hand. Sarah follows Daniel shortly after, hoping to protect her son from the wrath of his father.
“I told you to get down, this is an emergency. I apologize for interrupting your game of Splatoon. Come down.”
Sarah sighs, relieved that her husband is keeping his cool. She tip-toes down the stairs and suddenly remembers that the groceries weren’t put away yet.
“Fine.” Groans Felix.
Daniel pats his son on the back, they walk down the stairs and head to the dining room. Naomi, Felix, and Sarah, take a seat.
“D-Dad, what is going on?” Naomi, a 9-year-old girl, asks, seeming scared and confused. Never has she seen her father act this hysterical.
“Your mother…” It would hurt him to usher out any more words at that very moment.
“Get to the point already” Felix says impatiently.
“Respect your father.” Says Sarah, not knowing why she’s defending her husband in this strange scenario.
“Your mother has made a choice that will impact her, and her family for the rest of our lives. She has made the bold decision to become a baker of sourdough. You two may not understand, but from now on she is not just your mother. As we are relying on her for our bread, our senses now have total control over the relationship we have with her. She is merely a creator of products of which we judge.”
“You’ve lost it. I’m going back to my room.” Felix scolds his father and runs back upstairs.
“Daddy, we can just buy bread at the store if Mommy’s bread is bad, but I think Mommy will make good bread for us.” says Naomi.
“Thank you, Naomi.” Says Sarah, relaxed by her daughter’s adorableness.
“You’re too young to understand, honey.”
“Please, please just stop this insanity, Daniel. It’s not a big deal, I just want to bake some bread.” Pleads Sarah.
“I fear that you have made a mistake, but I wish you the best of luck in your adventure.”
They scatter.
Sarah brings the groceries to the kitchen and starts putting them away. She stares in awe at the flours as she takes them out any places them on the counter. After all the other groceries are taken away, she runs to the television and searches “how to make sourdough bread” on YouTube and takes notes.
***
In his office, Daniel calls Danny to discuss the leap his wife had made into what he perceived a dangerous hobby. He doesn’t answer the first time. Neither the second nor third.
“God damn it.” Murmurs Daniel.
After sitting in despair for a few minutes, the phone rings, it’s Danny.
“What’s so urgent? You called me three times; I was shitting.”
“You don’t bring your phone in the bathroom?”
“It’s a good time to reflect and sometimes to read a book.”
“Well, Sarah has chosen to become a baker.”
“Oh my god. How do we tell her?”
“She will find out soon enough. I have tried my best to discourage her, spouting some nonsense about how our perspective her has changed forever and she cannot leave from the baking club.”
“You’re crazy, it sounds like you’re encouraging her. We are doing our best to fight the revolt, we don’t need more people to know. What is she doing right now?”
“I’m not sure, I’ve been in my office for the past hour.”
“Go see”
“It’s too late. She’s already has started making a sourdough starter”
“Best of luck. I have some work to do. See ya, Daniel.”
“Goodbye.”
For the rest of the night, Daniel studies an academic paper noting drastic changes in the behavior of the microorganisms that humans have benefited from for millennia.
***